Pet Monologues

FREDERICK:

A bird flew in my ass today. Yeah. I was sitting down in Central Park, just relaxing and reading the newspaper. I felt fine.

Then all of a sudden, SWOOP, right in my ass…a bird. A tiny bird the size of, oh, I don’t know, the size of my palm. Really tiny, really tiny. Just flew right in my butt, without any explanation.

What did I do? I’m getting to that. It’s not everyday that a bird scoops down at a million miles per hour and seeks shelter up in your private region. Am I right?

Let me continue…

I stand up for obvious reasons and I proceed to wiggle my buttocks but nothing. The bird won’t come out and I could feel it’s heartbeat pulsating. Strangest feeling, let me tell you. So I try walking it off…still, nothing. Stubborn bird. I started doing jumping jacks, nothing. I began skipping, nothing. I started running up a hill and back down a hill, nothing. I dropped my draws and dipped my ass into the pond, nothing. I went so far as to climb over a fence and start scraping my bum across the grass, rocks and dirt in order to free the fellow, like a dog scrapes it’s behind on a rug. You’ve seen that right? But still to no avail, nothing. The bird stayed deep inside, clinging to the walls of my darkest of holies. Read the rest of this entry »

If you think the Pug can clean your monitor, wait until you see the cat clean your monitor.

The cat’s tongue…

When our cat scarfs his moist food placed on his chrome Wetnoz serving-plate, the surface looks like a mirror. There is nothing left, just a haze-free shine. You could not get the same results with sandpaper, yet that is what his tongue can feel like on your face in the middle of the night.

A Grooming Tool and More
A cat’s ability to groom itself is the result of numerous knobs called papillae on the surface of a cat’s tongue. Located at the tongue’s center, the papillae form backward-facing hooks containing large amounts of keratin, the same material found in human fingernails. These hooks provide the abrasiveness a cat needs for self-grooming. Read the rest of this entry »

Honey, will you get that?

First there came Animals as friends and now we have animals as phones.

note: this post among many others can be seen on friday ark and do you have scott’s number?

Get it while the link still works…

A Pug is a toy dog breed with a wrinkly face and medium-small body. Pug puppies are often called puglets. The word “pug” may have come from the Old English pugg, which was an affectionate term for a playful little devil or monkey. The breed is often summarized as multum in parvo (”much in little”), describing the Pug’s great personality and small size.

Something freshly stolen from my friend at Animals as Friends. tidbits via wikipedia.com

note: this post can be seen on Friday Ark #178

Many saw this bear and the bird feeder. Do you think it is the same bear with his cat friend.

Perhaps not since the Cowardly Lion has an animal’s appearance been so at odds with its attitude.

A black bear wanders into a West Milford, New Jersey, back yard, was confronted by a 15-pound (7-kilogram) tabby cat … and fled up a neighbor’s tree. Hissing at the base of the tree, Jack the clawless cat kept the bear at bay for about 15 minutes, then ran him up another tree after an attempted escape.

Finally, Jack’s owner, Donna Dickey, called the cat inside, and the timorous trespasser disappeared back into the woods.

“He doesn’t want anybody in his yard,” Dickey said of Jack in an interview with the Newark Star Ledger.

Unlike cats, bears aren’t typically territorial, roaming instead over vast areas that would be impossible to patrol for intruders. With a habitat that includes much of North America, black bears are seen fairly often in this region of New Jersey.

Full-grown black bears weigh between 200 and 600 pounds (90 and 270 kilograms) and measure as much as 6 feet (1.8 meters) long. Their diets can include fruits, honey, insects, acorns and animals as big as moose calves—a fact apparently lost on Jack.

note: this post can be seen on Friday Ark #178

Artist. Antique dealer.

Robbay is a self-published cartoonist, he is currently hosting a website called MollyDoesTheWeb Visit the Galleries for cartoons about Molly and Sid, Bird Talk, and many more situation cartoons. All cartoons and characters are under copyright. Any reproduction must be reviewed and cleared by Robert Timmons. Please also visit A side of Cartoons

Back to Robbay. Merry Christmas. The night before Christmas. Miami bound. My dog: fleas! TV bird. The old bird dog. Pool party. Dogs and their people. Who da man! Dogs and people. SillySid. Sand shark.

A tribute to Wordless Chicken Tuesday created by Speedcat Hollydale, a fan of PM. Speedcat, never say “last” though I don’t have a good reason
why (PM).

boot ransom

100 chickens and a worm

The participants…

Chicken picture for Eric / Blue Ribbon Bloggers (PAINTED) Another ‘Chicken’ post for Eric…” / Blue Ribbon Bloggers (HAYBAR ANTICS!) Final Edition of Wordless Chicken Tuesday! / Julie’s Blog (TALENT SPOTLIGHT) WCT Beacon: Chicken Wonton Soup for the Soul / New England Lighthouse Treasures (MY CHILDHOOD CHICKEN TRAINING) The (gasp!) Last Wordless Chicken Tuesday?! / Olga the Traveling Bra (UPROAR HENHOUSE!) One hundred chickens and a worm / Laketrees (PUZZLE PICTURE) Chicken Tuesday: Yoga Chicken / Outta the COOP (ACTION) Chicken Licken Tuesday with Speedycat / Sugar Queens Dream (LOTS OF CHICKENS) Wordless Chicken Tuesday/a> / Auntie Dar’s Life (DANGER) target=”_blank” / OMYWORD! Did I say that? (RUFFLED) Super Tuesday Wordlesss Chicken< / Cuppacinjo: A Man of the Froth (MOVING) Nekkid Chicken, Clone Production & Damn Doctors / Divalicious (SKINNY) Wordy Chicken Tuesday and Kidnapped Part 2 / Observations from the Back 40 (LOOK AT THE TOP PICTURE) Big bird(s) / Pet Monologues (MASSIVE) Silly Girls / Creative Treasures (S T R E T C H Y) Lookin’ Pretty For My Last Wordless Chicken Tuesday / Can You be Part of My Life (SHOCKING) Boot Randsom / Drowsey Pictures (CHICKEN MAN VENDETTA) I hAvE nO iDeA / Olga the Traveling Bra (DEMANDING)

Let’ put this image into words and see if you conjure up the image…

…obsession with imaginary insects, mysterious adoration of just one spot on the bed, barf gland, search and destroy lobe for expensive imported textiles, ceramics, inexorable fear of vacuum cleaners, short circuit that makes a purring kitty an arm-shredding maniac in two seconds, licking gland, total drive to be where they are forbidden to go, shedding on freshly vacuumed surfaces cortex, can opener sonar, asthmatic person locator, inability to get along with new cat, hatred of dogs, commitment spot (get larger when can opener sonar is activated), infatuation with people who hate cats.

(Originally published in MS Magazine, Vol III, #1, July/August 1992)
via xmission.com note: this post can be see at Friday Ark #177