Pet Monologues

by Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie–
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find–it’s your own affair–
But…you’ve given your heart for a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!);
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone–wherever it goes–for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart for the dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we’ve kept ‘em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long–
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

NOTE: Adult language.

Monologue Description: “NIBBIE’S PARLOR” is an absurd theatre monologue.

Character Description: In this monologue, Plathamus talks to a long distanced cousin, whom he hasn’t seen in many years, all about his business parlor. He drinks heavily…

PLATHAMUS:

(what starts off as a slow bark, escalates into a louder, faster…more fierce bark)

ruff…ruff…ruff…Ruff…Ruff…RUFF…RUFF…RUFF…RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!!! RUFF!!! RUFF!!!

(than silence)

(nonchalantly) I took a giant dump one day and discovered a key in my doody. Upon retrieving this key I also discovered that it unlocked a door. It took me ten years to find this door. When I opened it, a bunch of featherless chickens jumped out but they barked like dogs…They were barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking…..and bark-ing.

One was blue, the small one and the others hated him, except for Oscar. Oscar was the biggest one and he protected the little blue one but whenever Oscar wasn’t around, the other featherless chickens would fuck him up. Sad. Read the rest of this entry »

Caw to art! #17. Reminder.

Caw to art! is an effort to showcase animals and pets in an ARTFUL manner. Read the rest of this entry »

swine n. , pl. swine . Any of various omnivorous, even-toed ungulates of the family Suidae, including pigs, hogs, and boars, having a stout body.

nellie, a hampshire from indiana is a clone

clone “offspring” pork chop from indiana

acorn-fed iberico pig in eastern spain

a proper carving jamonero with hoof properly up

chow time

Top two photos from Wired magazine [wired 15.11] discussing cloning. “The other other white meat”—it looks the same, it cooks the same, it tastes the same. but this pig, a Hampshire from Indiana name Nelly, is a clone. And cloned bacon? It may already be at your supermarket. The second photo deck copy reads “My fist-size chop is glazed in a sugary, thick-as-molasses marinade. It tastes better than anything I’ve had at a restaurant—moist, succulent, and wonderfully tender.” Read the rest of this entry »

Caw to art! is an effort to showcase pets and animals in an ARTFUL manner. A photograph, fine art, a scribble, sculpture. A poem, a monologue, a short story, motion.

Submissions: Beginning Wednesday 2/27/08 thru Friday—and maybe
a bit longer…

fada maranga submits portrait of a lady: velvet
fada maranga submits snail love
dogs rule and cats drool submits oscar the death cat
photoblog submits crazy birds
my only photo submits an elephant with personality
photography, philosophy & pearls of wisdom submits my best friend
diane clancy submits emma in the flowers II
helen read submits cat nap
pet monologues submits nicholas di genova rendition of a bird/invertebrate hybrid

portrait of a lady: velvet

snail love
crazy birds

an elephant with personality

emma in the flowers

cat nap

bird/invertebrate hybrid

Still steeping…

…in the meantime. Questions? Comments? Editor’s note: please look at Comment 1 below for more C2a! details as well as look at the previous editions of Caw to art!…

and while you are curating your submissions don’t forget Friday Ark roster for this weekend. And Carnival of the Cats which goes up every Sunday.

FREDERICK:

A bird flew in my ass today. Yeah. I was sitting down in Central Park, just relaxing and reading the newspaper. I felt fine.

Then all of a sudden, SWOOP, right in my ass…a bird. A tiny bird the size of, oh, I don’t know, the size of my palm. Really tiny, really tiny. Just flew right in my butt, without any explanation.

What did I do? I’m getting to that. It’s not everyday that a bird scoops down at a million miles per hour and seeks shelter up in your private region. Am I right?

Let me continue…

I stand up for obvious reasons and I proceed to wiggle my buttocks but nothing. The bird won’t come out and I could feel it’s heartbeat pulsating. Strangest feeling, let me tell you. So I try walking it off…still, nothing. Stubborn bird. I started doing jumping jacks, nothing. I began skipping, nothing. I started running up a hill and back down a hill, nothing. I dropped my draws and dipped my ass into the pond, nothing. I went so far as to climb over a fence and start scraping my bum across the grass, rocks and dirt in order to free the fellow, like a dog scrapes it’s behind on a rug. You’ve seen that right? But still to no avail, nothing. The bird stayed deep inside, clinging to the walls of my darkest of holies. Read the rest of this entry »

Caw to art! is an effort to showcase pets and animals in an ARTFUL manner. A photograph, fine art, a scribble, sculpture. A poem, a monologue, a short story, motion.

Submissions: Beginning Wednesday 2/20/08 thru Friday—and maybe
a bit longer…

Art lovers. #10 will be moved back till next week, 2/27/08. You are invited to submit artful comments…

Still steeping…

…in the meantime. Questions? Comments? Editor’s note: please look at Comment 1 below for more C2a! details as well as look at the previous editions of Caw to art!…

and while you are curating your submissions don’t forget Friday Ark roster for this weekend. And Carnival of the Cats which goes up every Sunday.

March 08 will mark our first year anniversary. With 900 (estimated) posts here are reader’s choice favorites…

wisconsin bird feeder in a class by itself—over 100K stumbleupon visits-in one week

juicy crittoure—whippet greyhound society/fans went nuts
99 wolves

dead pet stories by Erik Hawxby—ADULT. GRAPHIC. GROSS.

sexing and aging birds. after all we are an animal blog…

caw to art! #2 gives us dragonheart

99 wolves

Creature photos by andrew zuckerman

designer fill-in-the-blank—a mention in designobserver

This post will continue to evolve. For the moment let’s post it!

Caw to art! is an effort to showcase pets and animals in an ARTFUL manner. A photograph, fine art, a scribble, sculpture. A poem, a monologue, a short story, motion.

Submissions: Beginning Wednesday 2/13/08 thru Friday—and maybe
a bit longer…

yababa stumblesupon Get used to it
injurousfeline stumblesupon Cardinal
Diane Clancy submits Chase in flowers
Eden Stern submits Skeletons out of the closet
Bebobber stumblesupon Sandcastles and Magnets

Sidetracks (is this art? not exactly…)
OnlyintheApple submits The cat lady test
The Dreaming Tree submits Brown-headed nuthatches
What works for you submits Ball? Someone? Anyone?

get used to it

cardinal

chase in flowers

skeletons

sandcastles

magnets

Still steeping…

…in the meantime. Questions? Comments? Editor’s note: please look at Comment 1 below for more C2a! details as well as look at the previous editions of Caw to art!…

and while you are curating your submissions don’t forget Friday Ark roster for this weekend. And Carnival of the Cats which goes up every Sunday.

Serving up quality art work and prose about animals has been a mission of Pet Monologues from the start. Below are three of many contributing artists who provide our stimulating content. Find out a little bit more about them by clicking on their links. If you wish to contribute or wish to send stories/authors to Pet Monologues, it would be greatly appreciated. PM

Robbay Timmons The art Who da man!