Pet Monologues

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest possible extent . I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required. Read the rest of this entry »

by Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie–
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find–it’s your own affair–
But…you’ve given your heart for a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!);
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone–wherever it goes–for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart for the dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we’ve kept ‘em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long–
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

NOTE: Adult language.

Monologue Description: “NIBBIE’S PARLOR” is an absurd theatre monologue.

Character Description: In this monologue, Plathamus talks to a long distanced cousin, whom he hasn’t seen in many years, all about his business parlor. He drinks heavily…

PLATHAMUS:

(what starts off as a slow bark, escalates into a louder, faster…more fierce bark)

ruff…ruff…ruff…Ruff…Ruff…RUFF…RUFF…RUFF…RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!!! RUFF!!! RUFF!!!

(than silence)

(nonchalantly) I took a giant dump one day and discovered a key in my doody. Upon retrieving this key I also discovered that it unlocked a door. It took me ten years to find this door. When I opened it, a bunch of featherless chickens jumped out but they barked like dogs…They were barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking…..and bark-ing.

One was blue, the small one and the others hated him, except for Oscar. Oscar was the biggest one and he protected the little blue one but whenever Oscar wasn’t around, the other featherless chickens would fuck him up. Sad. Read the rest of this entry »

Caw to art! is an effort to showcase animals and pets in an ARTFUL manner. A photograph, fine art, a scribble, sculpture. A poem, a monologue, a short story, motion.

Submissions: Beginning Wednesday 7/9/08 thru Friday and maybe
a bit longer…

hampton arts submits bird 4
rethaw submits moths
diane clancy submits alyssa in flowers
day by day paintings submits family tree
Confabulator of fabulous fables submits aesop’s the bear and two travelers
TWO MEN were hiking in Denali together, when a Bear suddenly appeared on their path.

One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and managed to hide himself in the branches. The other, not being as quick as his companion, realized that he was going to be attacked by the bear. He quickly fell flat on the ground. The Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over. The man held his breath and remained as still as death. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body. When the bear was long gone, his friend climbed down from the tree.
Jokingly, he asked his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear.

“He gave me this advice,” his friend replied. “Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.”

Moral: Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends.

bird 4

moths

alyssa in flowers

family tree

Still steeping…

…in the meantime. Questions? Comments? Editor’s note: please look at Comment 1 below for more C2a! details as well as look at the previous editions of Caw to art!…

and while you are curating your submissions don’t forget Friday Ark roster for this weekend. And Carnival of the Cats which goes up every Sunday.

http://designapplause.com/2008/hardcore-finnish-design/143/

You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then –
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds –
your foot just squashed one.

You’re always typing.
Well, let’s see you ignore my
sitting on your hands. Read the rest of this entry »

FREDERICK:

A bird flew in my ass today. Yeah. I was sitting down in Central Park, just relaxing and reading the newspaper. I felt fine.

Then all of a sudden, SWOOP, right in my ass…a bird. A tiny bird the size of, oh, I don’t know, the size of my palm. Really tiny, really tiny. Just flew right in my butt, without any explanation.

What did I do? I’m getting to that. It’s not everyday that a bird scoops down at a million miles per hour and seeks shelter up in your private region. Am I right?

Let me continue…

I stand up for obvious reasons and I proceed to wiggle my buttocks but nothing. The bird won’t come out and I could feel it’s heartbeat pulsating. Strangest feeling, let me tell you. So I try walking it off…still, nothing. Stubborn bird. I started doing jumping jacks, nothing. I began skipping, nothing. I started running up a hill and back down a hill, nothing. I dropped my draws and dipped my ass into the pond, nothing. I went so far as to climb over a fence and start scraping my bum across the grass, rocks and dirt in order to free the fellow, like a dog scrapes it’s behind on a rug. You’ve seen that right? But still to no avail, nothing. The bird stayed deep inside, clinging to the walls of my darkest of holies. Read the rest of this entry »

They said I’d get turtles if I kept the pieces
of broken streetlights in warm water.
So I put the magic shards in a bucket
in the basement and spent the evening in a vigil.
Down and up the stairs, changing the water
and keeping the powerful fragments
at an encouraging temperature.
I was old enough—ten–to know better,
but hope was stronger than sense.

It got late, time for bed.
The water would get cold during the night.
And that’s when I knew this precarious act
of spontaneous generation wasn’t going to work.
My need for sleep was stronger
than my need for turtles.

Lucia Blinn

Poetry and art by Meghna, age 12.

Once a little bird
Fell from the air
Lying near my feet
It was a sight of despair

Seeing it’s poor condition
Pity dwelled in my heart
“Oh dear birdie, don’t worry
For you care, I’ll impart”

I took him gently
In my hands
And carried him over
To my Aunt Mands

Oh sweety, you’ve
Done a great job
I’m sure your Uncle
Would love it after I mob

I’m sure he’d say it’s good
You can come after a while
You and Uncle can eat it
After he comes from his walk of a mile!

More about Meghna.

This might seem a little off topic but towards the end George mentions “pets” so PM thinks this is right on topic! A dose of year-end wisdom.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! Read the rest of this entry »

Caw to art! is an effort to showcase pets and animals in an ARTFUL manner. A photograph, fine art, a scribble, sculpture. A poem, a monologue, a short story, motion.

Submissions
Resonant Enigma submits Meh-heh-heh
Tom Varisco Designs submits “Berlin”
Herbert Murrie submits “Birds of Paradise”
Pet Monologues submits Red Wolf: Dog named Balto
Studio@OneZeroCharlie submits Rural Records
vat19.comslashblog submits Curiously Awesome Cat Man (art of cat training)
Movie Cat submits Dan in Real Life
Pet Monologues finds Frootbat Friday at Dragonheartsdomain
Pet Monologues submits WaMu WoOf!
Keir Royale submits Pet don’t always win prizes
Resonant Enigma submits Warm Belly

Berlin

Birds of Paradise

Dragonheart

Still steeping…

…in the meantime. Questions? Comments? Editor’s note: please look at Comment 1 below for more C2a! details…

and while you are curating your submissions don’t forget Friday Ark roster for this weekend. And Carnival of the Cats which goes up every Sunday next hosted by Pet’s Garden Blog this 11/18.