Nibbie’s parlor.
NOTE: Adult language.
Monologue Description: “NIBBIE’S PARLOR” is an absurd theatre monologue.
Character Description: In this monologue, Plathamus talks to a long distanced cousin, whom he hasn’t seen in many years, all about his business parlor. He drinks heavily…
PLATHAMUS:
(what starts off as a slow bark, escalates into a louder, faster…more fierce bark)
ruff…ruff…ruff…Ruff…Ruff…RUFF…RUFF…RUFF…RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!! RUFF!!! RUFF!!! RUFF!!!
(than silence)
(nonchalantly) I took a giant dump one day and discovered a key in my doody. Upon retrieving this key I also discovered that it unlocked a door. It took me ten years to find this door. When I opened it, a bunch of featherless chickens jumped out but they barked like dogs…They were barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking…..and bark-ing.
One was blue, the small one and the others hated him, except for Oscar. Oscar was the biggest one and he protected the little blue one but whenever Oscar wasn’t around, the other featherless chickens would fuck him up. Sad.
I decided to kill the chicken dogs, including Oscar…all of them, except for the little blue one…the cute and innocent one…my friend…One by one, I cut their heads off as they jolted around crazed. The strange thing about it is that their heads kept on barking and barking and barking and barking and bark-ing. Don’t ask me why…it was the nature of such beasts. But I locked them all back up inside the room of the door I unlocked and all was well after that point in time…You see?
Me and my little blue friend though, we’ve been getting along just fine ever since. We’ve gotten really close. I named him BLUE. Perhaps not an original name but it describes him pretty well. Most pet owners nickname their pets based on a description of what the animal appears to be like…or some shit…so I named mine BLUE.
Blue and I have had some terrific conversations. Really, we have. I have learned all about so many things. It turns out that blue is a scientist. My God, what that chicken has taught me…Oh, and his knowledge of sex is astounding…I never knew a chicken can know so much about the human sexual organ. Fascinating really.
What about you? What kind of pets do you own? Any black frogs? Yellow dogs? Invisible cats? Any fish, you know the ones lately, the ones with teeth like dinosaurs, I want one of those. Surely, I do.
I also have a pet rat slash business partner. Yes, it’s true. Met him in Manhattan. Wonderful creature. I was on a drunk one night and I passed out by a bunch of garbage bags…I rest comfortably…soundly. My rat pet slash business partner came along and began nibbling on my ear…giving me sweet Hershey kisses along the circumference of my ear lobe—it tickled so…I opened my eyes but didn’t jump, I liked the sensation actually. I gently propped my head up on my hand and stared into the eyes of my new rat friend slash business partner. He smiled. I smiled. And I asked him, “Where did you learn to nibble like that?” He told me in France. I was amazed. Astounded by his nibbling technique. I told him how talented he was and from then on we became business partners. I fronted the money and we opened up a shop in downtown Manhattan…right in Soho actually…we named it NIBBIE’S PARLOR. It was such a proud day for us…we both went on a drunk and lit up cigars and were blazed all night long…haha! MEMORIES!!
I handled the paper work and NIBLER, that’s the name I gave him…again, not too original I’m afraid—goes back to the whole describing your pet type thing…remember? Nibler focused on the nibbling. Everday our business grew. People would come into the parlor and I would set them up on the table in one of the back rooms…it was a very quiet and comforting atmosphere. Exactly like a massage parlor but ours, ours was the first nibbling parlor to date.
(beat)
Nibler would come out and begin nibbling on the persons ear and once they were hooked, the rest of their bodies. Nib, Nib, Nibble…
Before long, we had twenty rat nibblers working for us…all trained by Nibler himself. It was a wonderful time in my life. Really, it was…But then we had the FREAK OUT! Someone had a tremendous fear of rats and began screaming…it happened to one of the newbies, you know, one of the newly trained nibblers…while nibbling he actually nibbled off an ear…to this day I am not so sure it was by accident…
Anyway, regardless, anyway…this human being began having an orgasm of fright and I was forced to take her out…Do you know what I mean when I say…TAKE HER OUT? I blew her fucking brains out with my shotgun….just took aim and KABLAMO!!! Left her head shattered into a kazillion pieces. In a matter of minutes all of the rats cleaned everything up.
So you see, things suddenly and accidentally…CHANGED. Sometimes in life, things are beyond your control…
Now, our parlor takes care of business…so to speak and I walk around with my best friend in the whole world…BLUE, my shotgun and watch as nibbler handles the nibbling…
(he smiles)
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Maureen Adams
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