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Chicken Kama Sutra.
havakuk levison / Reuters 2002
Altering genetics brings killer karma into play
by John Kass, Chicago Tribune
Before I explain how the Chicken Kama Sutra got me fired from my dad’s butcher shop when I was a 6th grader—I foolishly posed the cold fryers in X-rated combos on the butcher blocks—you need to know how this memory was hatched:
With a horrifying news photo of a live, smooth-skinned rooster without feathers, part of a genetic experiment to develop chickens that will stay cool in their hot coops. Now, I can’t grill a chicken without retching.
“For Dinner: Genetically Altered ‘Superchicken’ ” said the headline of the wire story.
“We hope to provide a rigorous, risk-based regulatory path for [genetic] developers to follow, to help the public health and the health of animals,” said a pin-head bureaucrat from the Food and Drug Administration, thinking he could save the world from a “12 Monkeys” scenario if a superchicken escapes from the lab, along with the spider-goats and the salmon-pigs.
About the only people who insist they won’t escape are the mad scientists and federal bureaucrats, who insist they’ll regulate responsibly, much like they regulated mortgage lenders who ended up destroying our economy.
If you don’t want to know about such creatures, fine. But they’re out there, in secret genetic labs across the world, waiting for their chance to flee. And when they do, if you leave your kitchen door ajar, you’ll find them drooling quietly in the middle of the night just when you feel the urge for a glass of milk.
One such genetic monster is a pig rich in omega-3 fatty acids, a salmon-pig. Just imagine if the fish-pigs escape into Lake Michigan. What would you use for bait?
Even worse are the spider-goats, being developed in Ontario. Mad Canadian scientists have combined gentle goats with blood-sucking spiders—I kid you not—in hopes of milking the beasts to generate priceless spider silk.
Spider silk is one of the strongest materials found in nature, five times stronger than steel. The spider-goat is the creation of Nexia Biotechnologies. They started with four spider-goats, Willow, Bay, Santiago and Zeus. The scientists probably think they’re cute.
Such scientists are obviously too stupid to know that a spider weighing 50 pounds—the size of a goat—could grab every scientist by the head and suck out their brains. And there’s nothing they could do about it.
A 50-pound spider-goat could flip over tanks and jump 300 feet in the air, land on your back with its hooves and suck your brains out as you struggle like a once-happy fly. Anyone who has a DVD player knows what will happen: Some drunken half-wit janitor named Lenny teases the creature with a stick and leaves the cage open. The bureaucrats are the first to die, as the scientists, wrapped tightly on the floor, are forced to watch, screeching “What have we done?”
Then the spider-goat mates with the featherless chicken, and in six weeks, every man, woman and child in North America has been caught in webs, deposited as reconstituted protein in gigantic eggs that have the luxurious feel of cashmere sweaters.
Even if the superchickens remain featherless and vegetarian, they’re still so bizarre that any of you seeing the photograph will have difficulty grabbing a chicken and beer can and doing what must be done. The point is, no one should see such a repulsive chicken.
That was my father’s reaction when he came into the butcher shop and saw my X-rated chicken tableau. He’d told me to unpack the chickens from boxes of ice. But once that was accomplished, the chickens just sat there in a boring pyramid.
And being a 6th-grade boy who’d filched a copy of the Kama Sutra from a neighbor’s house without my parents’ knowledge, I posed the chicken pairs in various combinations, trying to replicate ancient Indian lovemaking techniques. I thought my little brothers and the butchers would laugh, but one of the deli-ladies told the boss.
My dad didn’t laugh as he chased me through the store and caught me in the produce aisle. After a couple thwacks, he fired me and told me to take the bus home.
On Tuesday, I asked around and learned that such behavior has become epidemic in offices across America. Ask your co-workers.
One guy confessed to taking a co-worker’s toy turtle and a toy rabbit from her desk and putting them in new compromising positions every morning for weeks. Another guy admitted what he did with a colleague’s Gumby and Bart Simpson. A woman took her daughter shopping at a toy store, only to find a Barbie and a GI Joe in the dollhouse.
But there’s a big difference between showing up at work to see Gumby and Bart doing it on your supervisor’s desk, and showing up at work to find hungry goat-spiders crouching in your elevator, just before they suck out your brains.
Toys can be harmlessly manipulated. But not live creatures. If only scientists could learn this rule, before they find themselves wrapped in silk, the baa-ing of the goat-spider the last sound they hear, as it moves in for the kill.
PM does not like to do this - copy/paste an entire article. This was too good to resist. A new meaning to designer-animals.John Kass, has been notified.
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Maureen Adams
October 1st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Anyone that can combine Kama Sutra and nekid chickens in one post …. MUST be a genius.
My only regret is that “I” did not think of it first
Eric “Speedcat Hollydale”s last blog post..Welcome to Hollydale
October 1st, 2008 at 5:45 pm
couldah, shouldah, wouldah. woof!
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:03 am
:))) I agree with the precedent speaker. Now I understood that Kama Sutra is a very deep soil to explore. Maybe it is necessary to continue the study. Will do it when return from Russia, 10.29.
Liudmilas last blog post..Chimps vs Humans Test
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:37 pm
kama sutra is pretty pervasive. it is not unusual in this household when entertaining. for example, at the dinner table after the meal, someone (not me) can start kama sutra with salt and pepper shakers, empty wine bottles.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:50 am
Friday Ark #211…
We’ll post links to sites that have Friday (plus or minus a few days) photos of their chosen animals (photoshops at our discretion and humans only in supporting roles). Watch the Exception category for rocks, beer, coffee cups, and….? Visit all the …
January 30th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Valentines Day is just a few weeks away, so what better time to give some sexy
lingerie to your special person.
At the La Peches Lingerie online lingerie shop,
you can buy sexy lingerie without embarrassment.
Designer Lingerie, French lingerie and Italian Lingerie from La Peches.
March 15th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I have been reading here and what some of the comments are? I should post a comment here also now and then.
Misty:)