Bird in my ass. at Pet Monologues

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If animals had an election.

Who would be the next President of the animal kingdom…

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Here Kobe, here.

Kobe Bryant’s popularity extends even to the animal kingdom. From a database of more than 465,000 pet insured animals including dogs, cats, birds, and exotic domesticated animals, 359 are named “Kobe,” making it the 189th most popular name of 65,536 pet names across the nation. Five pets in the database are named “LeBron,” two are name “Yao Ming,” and there’s a “Boston Garnett” along with a “Dirk Nowitzki.”

The most unusual sports name in the pet world, however, might belong to a Yorkshire Terrier that answers to “Kobe Shaq Jackson.” via los angeles times

Dress up games.

For Halloween one needs a creative tool to dress up Fluffy and Buddy. Here it is! Dressup games. My cute pet dressup.

Pets vote.

“Even our dogs and cats have learned that elections matter.” vice president Al Gore Click on a dog to buy a vote for Bark Obama or McCanine. Check in daily to see who is pulling on the lead…

visit petsvote

Pets. Dead people. Asked to vote.
CHICAGO — More than 1,000 phony registrations were submitted, Lake County official says. Dogs, goldfish and dead people were sent voter registration forms by mistake as part of an aggressive registration drive in the northern suburbs, Lake County Clerk Willard Helander said Friday. "This is nothing like we've ever seen before," Helander said in a news conference in Waukegan, where election workers identified more than 1,000 phony registrations submitted over the past few weeks. Helander blamed the problem on a group called the Voters Participation Center, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization that is a project of Women's Voices/Women's Vote based in Washington, D.C. Sarah Johnson, a Women's Voices spokeswoman, said the group uses a commercial data list generated by a national vendor to send out registration forms and that mistakes happen. "Sometimes . . . people think it's funny to get a magazine addressed to their cat or their dog, and when they do that, their cat or dog ends up on the list," Johnson said. "But we're just trying to make it as easy as possible for people to register and vote." Election officials in Oregon, Kentucky and other states have complained that the Women's Voices project has caused confusion. A record 401,935 Lake County residents are registered for the Nov. 4 election. via chicago tribune [1] [1] http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-lake-voter-fraud-both-18-oct18,0,7157423.story

Great Lakes wolf killing stopped.
Court Reverses Bush Decision to Strip Protection From Wolves in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Michigan. Breaking News! Agreeing with a Center for Biological Diversity legal action, a federal judge today overturned a 2007 Bush administration decision to remove Great Lakes area wolves from the endangered species list. The ruling puts an immediate halt on the killing of hundreds of wolves in Michigan, Minnesota, and Wisconsin. While the Great Lakes wolf population has increased to 4,000 individuals under the protective cover of the Endangered Species Act, the species is still missing from most of its historic range, including the Northeast, the southern Rocky Mountains, the Great Basin, and the West Coast. Rather than developing a national wolf recovery strategy, the Bush administration craftily abandoned wolf recovery in most of the country by delisting wolves in the Great Lakes and the northern Rocky Mountains and declaring that the lack of wolves in other areas relieves the administration of any responsibility to continue recovery actions. In today's ruling, the judge agreed with the Center's amicus argument that stripping protection from local populations while refusing to consider the recovery of wolves throughout the lower 48 appears to violate the central purpose of the Endangered Species Act. The precedent setting ruling will protect hundreds of species from this backdoor strategy of abandoning species recovery. This is the second major victory in two weeks for the Center's wolf recovery fund. On September 16, the government announced it would give up defending against our northern Rockies wolf lawsuit. Thanks for supporting the wolf defense fund and sending thousands of emails and petitions objecting to the slaughter of wolves in Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Minnesota, and Wisconsin. This victory couldn't have happened without your help. Thanks also to our litigation allies at the Humane Society, Help Our Wolves Live, the Animal Protection Institute, and Friends of Animals and Their Environment.

Endangered species act under assault.
Send Comments to Secretary Kempthorne. Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne announced devastating changes to the Endangered Species Act, signaling the end of protection for thousands of imperiled species. The new regulations would: - Exempt thousands of federal activities from review under the Endangered Species Act; - Eliminate checks and balances of independent oversight; - Limit which effects can be considered harmful; - Prevent consideration of a project’s contribution to global warming; - Set an inadequate 60-day deadline for wildlife experts to evaluate a project in the instances when they are invited to participate – or else the project gets an automatic green light; - Enable large-scale projects to go unreviewed by dividing them into hundreds of small projects. We must stop Kempthorne from fatally crippling our nation’s most successful wildlife law. Take action today. [1] [1] http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/2167/t/5243/campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=25351

Porpoises belly up to low-fat diet.
TOKYO — Dolphins at a Japanese marine park are going on a low-fat diet after developing potbellies and failing to look sharp in their aquatic performances. Kinosaki Marine World in western Japan said Tuesday that all its 19 dolphins have been on a low-fat diet since late August, when they started failing to hit jumping targets and keep upright while treading water. "We were puzzled by their poor performance. Then we noticed they looked rounder," said park spokesman Haruo Imazu. Keepers weighed them and found all had gotten plumper, some up to 22 pounds heavier just during the summer. All had the same menu—about 31 pounds of mackerel mixed with some white fish — but keepers found the mackerels had gotten fattier, adding too many calories. Keepers immediately put them on a weight-loss program, feeding them more white fish and less fatty mackerel while instituting an exercise regime, Imazu said. Less fat and moderate exercise seem to be working. via chicago tribune [1] [1] http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-dolphins_01oct01,0,4672913.story

Man punches shark. Saves dog.

SLAMORADA, Fla. — A dog is recovering after a Florida Keys carpenter dove in to save his pet from a shark.

Greg LeNoir said he took his 14-pound rat terrier Jake for a daily swim at a marina Friday.

The 5-foot shark suddenly surfaced and grabbed nearly the entire dog in its mouth.

LeNoir said he yelled, then balled up his fists and dove headfirst into the water. He hit the shark in the back and the creature finally let go of the dog.

Man and dog made it safely back to shore. The dog suffered bite wounds but was not critically injured.

PM editor’s note: OMG!

Elephant killed by bus.
MEXICO — A five-ton elephant was killed by a bus after it escaped from a circus in Mexico, and wandered onto a busy highway. Bus driver Tomas Lopez, 49, also died and at least four passengers were taken to hospital after the accident, which happened just before dawn on Tuesday in Ecatepec, north of Mexico City. The elephant had escaped from its cage at the Circo Union circus, according to Mexico State police spokesman Juan Sanchez, who said officers were still investigating the circumstances. It is understood that the 40-year-old animal, named Hilda, broke free as her keeper arrived to feed her. She apparently knocked down a metal door that led to the street and wandering through two neighbourhoods before trying to cross the road. Marcelino Ramos, 22, keeper at the Circo Union circus, told El Universal daily newspaper: "I untied her so she could eat. She never did this before, but suddenly she ran at full speed and broke through the gate." Police said the bus driver stood no chance of avoiding the elephant as it charged onto the road near the famous Teotihuacan pyramids. Last month, a 500lb lion escaped from a private zoo in southern Mexico. The animal killed two dogs and a pig and attacked a woman and child on a donkey before it was sedated and caught. via telegraph.co.uk [1] [1] http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/centralamericaandthecaribbean/mexico/3069003/Escaped-circus-elephant-killed-by-bus-in-Mexico.html

Bird in my ass.

FREDERICK:

A bird flew in my ass today. Yeah. I was sitting down in Central Park, just relaxing and reading the newspaper. I felt fine.

Then all of a sudden, SWOOP, right in my assâ€¦a bird. A tiny bird the size of, oh, I donâ€™t know, the size of my palm. Really tiny, really tiny. Just flew right in my butt, without any explanation.

What did I do? Iâ€™m getting to that. Itâ€™s not everyday that a bird scoops down at a million miles per hour and seeks shelter up in your private region. Am I right?

Let me continueâ€¦

I stand up for obvious reasons and I proceed to wiggle my buttocks but nothing. The bird wonâ€™t come out and I could feel itâ€™s heartbeat pulsating. Strangest feeling, let me tell you. So I try walking it offâ€¦still, nothing. Stubborn bird. I started doing jumping jacks, nothing. I began skipping, nothing. I started running up a hill and back down a hill, nothing. I dropped my draws and dipped my ass into the pond, nothing. I went so far as to climb over a fence and start scraping my bum across the grass, rocks and dirt in order to free the fellow, like a dog scrapes itâ€™s behind on a rug. Youâ€™ve seen that right? But still to no avail, nothing. The bird stayed deep inside, clinging to the walls of my darkest of holies.

I was beginning to get fed up because as one would imagine, I had a bird in my ass. Up until this point in time, I remained pretty calm about things. I was upset about the hole in my pants though and still am because upon the birdâ€™s entry, the small sucker piered through my suit pants. I guess he had no choice. I paid good money for these pants.

(shows him the hole in the back of his pants)

You see that? You see the hole he burrowed.

Anyway, what was I to do? I mean, what would you do, HONESTLY, take a moment and think about thisâ€¦WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A BIRD FLEW UP INTO YOUR ASS?

(beat)

Have an answer? Would you panic and scream, would you freak out, would you faint?

I did non of the above. I peacefully walked myself into the emergency and explained to the staff that while sitting in Central Park, reading my paper, a bird flew up and into my anus. At first, the doctors laughed but when I bent over to show them, they became curious. I told the doctor that I was willing for him to listen, as PROOF that a bird resided in my tooshy.

Of course the Doctor thought I was mad but a nurse, a sweet nurse heard a noise. Everyone suddently heard the noise because the bird was churping. I had a churping bird in my assâ€¦What happened next?

I will tell you. The staff set me down on my stomach, then strapped me. I had x-rays done which confirmed that there was indeed, a bird in my rear.

I was rushed in for surgery and when I awoke, there was no more bird. I was fine. A little sore but fine. I was given some pain killers and that was it. I didnâ€™t even make the news. Imagine?

Strange. As far as the bird was concerned, he made it. He lived. They were able to pull him out of my ass, UNHARMED. Miraculous, these Doctors of the day. Miraculous heroes.

via Monologue Blogger note: this post among many others can be seen on friday ark

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 26th, 2008 at 10:52 am and is filed under Gross, Humor, Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Bird in my ass.”

Jen Says:
February 26th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Holy lord! Is that a true story??? That is just hilarious!

You’ve got such great stuff on here, it’s always a joy to see when you’ve made a new post.

I received a couple awards this morning, and I’d like to pass them on to Pet Monologues You can get them here: http://saveashelterpet.blogspot.com/2008/02/awards-galore.html
PM Says:
February 26th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
jen ;-)))

visit the “Monologue Blogger” link in this post, a great source of monologues. the webmaster encourages us to cherry pick the animal stories…

and thank you so much for the award! woof!
Modulator Says:
March 1st, 2008 at 12:36 am
Friday Ark #180

We’ll post links to sites that have Friday (plus or minus a few days) photos of their chosen animals (photoshops at our discretion and humans only in supporting roles). Watch the Exception category for rocks, beer, coffee cups, and….? Visit all the …